Oscar

I have just finished burning a box full of things marked 'nostalgic'.

Most of it was letters I had written to a boy when I was about twenty/twenty one. Letters I never gave him. Rest assured, I did give him a lot of letters, much to my present day dismay. The most honest, desperate ones made it to the box. I burnt a lot of photographs I had kept of him. Ones I might have kissed. You know the ones. Unrequited young love. To idolise this one person I never really knew.

I felt a bit strange. Burning bits that I had treasured. Packed away. Took out occassionally and sighed over. But it feels good, to finally be able to let go. Of all those times I made myself small, embarrassed and 'not good enough'.

Yesterday I received the saddest news. Our cat Oscar, at the family home was killed on the road. He was such a friendly animal. Completely peculiar, ultimately beautiful, loving, with a roaring purr. He turned it on full volume, even if you just looked at him affectionately. I am sad.

I feel dreadful for my Father, who had to go and find him and bury him. He just about held it together on the phone last night, to be strong, as he told me. I wanted to go and give him the most enormous hug. He sounded so quiet, so gentle and lost.

I love you Oscar, I dedicate all this moving forwards with love, to you.