Oscar

I have just finished burning a box full of things marked 'nostalgic'.

Most of it was letters I had written to a boy when I was about twenty/twenty one. Letters I never gave him. Rest assured, I did give him a lot of letters, much to my present day dismay. The most honest, desperate ones made it to the box. I burnt a lot of photographs I had kept of him. Ones I might have kissed. You know the ones. Unrequited young love. To idolise this one person I never really knew.

I felt a bit strange. Burning bits that I had treasured. Packed away. Took out occassionally and sighed over. But it feels good, to finally be able to let go. Of all those times I made myself small, embarrassed and 'not good enough'.

Yesterday I received the saddest news. Our cat Oscar, at the family home was killed on the road. He was such a friendly animal. Completely peculiar, ultimately beautiful, loving, with a roaring purr. He turned it on full volume, even if you just looked at him affectionately. I am sad.

I feel dreadful for my Father, who had to go and find him and bury him. He just about held it together on the phone last night, to be strong, as he told me. I wanted to go and give him the most enormous hug. He sounded so quiet, so gentle and lost.

I love you Oscar, I dedicate all this moving forwards with love, to you.

Full spectrum light (ecocentricity)

Sometimes I really want to write a word that sums up how I feel, and sometimes I can find that word,

but today the word is more of a sound, and if you said it, you would have to make rasping noises, and splutter it out a bit.

It might go something like this:

blooooroughhhsssstttwweeeeeeeaaccccch


You can draw it out. Say it really, really snail slowly, and if you half close your eye lids too, and imagine feeling like you might just have to go and take a nap- that is how I feel.

I suppose.

If I ate a banana I might feel better, but I am holding off for dinner.

Besides I just ate an apple. It was a bad apple. One of those in a pack, that have been sitting in a darkened warehouse for months on end. Then they drag them out, stick a red label on them, and watch as the ghost faced shoppers take them to the till. I was a ghost face apparently. I penny pinched, and the supermarket won.

That is another reason why today I contacted my local farm to join their veg box scheme. I even love the fact that you can go and pick it up from a lock-up behind my local florist once a week. How perfect! I cannot wait to be able to make smarmy remarks to the supermarket as I pass by. Suck on my organics Sainsburys, the complete lack of packaging and food miles. HA.

yeah.

I do not usually use phrases such as 'Suck on that', just as I usually do not get red stickered into buying cheap fruit from supermarkets.

I am telling you this, so I do not go down in your estimation.
Because I know how highly you hold me in esteem.

I am also making an eco kitchen. But this is another story. Has this become an eco blog? No. But it might just turn into one. I will become one of those intolerably perfect eco beacons, telling you to start taking cold showers- every other day, or maybe perhaps once a week, to start scraping the mould of that bread- what harm can it do! (I did in fact do this yesterday to some mushrooms. See. It's already happening). I will tell you to switch your energy to wind power (which I really want to do) or get some solar panels fixed onto your roof ( I would do this, if I had a roof. And some funds.) I would tell you how only just the other day I watered my plants with my own morning urine, and they are already thriving!

Actually, I can feel myself getting into this. I might do a blog next week about something nutritional. Maybe seeds or nuts or something. Or maybe essential oils.

Yeah.

I am really craving some sunlight, or some warmth. I had to go to the park the other day and force myself to sit still on a bench in full daylight (before it leapt up and ran away) to try and make some serotonin. I think it worked. I have been feeling less bleak today, despite the gloom and complete lack of any lovely light. I have found a supplement you can take called 5HTP which helps produce serotonin apparently, and I am going to give it a go, and let you know how it goes. Of course.

Yesterday I had a follow up Kinesiology session. This also seems to help a great deal. Or has. Apparently my body was ready for its next installment, or to complete its next body of 'work'. My lovely practitioner, Amanda Brooks, also told me that my body told her that it was lacking in Selenium, being the reason why my hands are constantly arctic (unfortunately not arctic rolls) It even specified that I take 200mcg every day and it had to be in the PM only !

I need to give my body more credit, it knows far more than I think.

I really want to trust my body more. I have been craving Brazil nuts now for months- they contain quite an amount of Selenium.

I need to have one to one's with my body more often. I tried tonight, asking it what it really needed to eat for Supper. It said something about banana and peanut butter sandwiches, and then changed its mind and said cheese on toast.

I ignored both comments, because I became convinced I was only hearing what I wanted to eat. So I am instead going to force myself to have a rounded meal.

I had a weird 'yesterdays leftover supper veg' concoction for my lunch. Cold cabbage, peas and green beans with sesame seeds on top, and chick peas and some tomatoes.

It did nothing to warm me up.

Oh! I just remembered. Full spectrum bulbs- if you are suffering from SAD symptoms, lethargy, low spirits, feelings of hopelessness and blueness in general, then trying out a lightbox is a grand idea. They differ from usual indoor lighting in that they provide a 'full spectrum' of light and all its components (I am still learning), mimicking outdoor natural light- the light we need to keep up and happy and energetic (as possible). BUT I have found the good light boxes, the ones worth getting, are expensive, but you can buy full spectrum bulbs for about eight pounds instead. If you replaced a few of your lamps with these bulbs, you would automatically, and much more cheaply, be absorbing the happier rays. Placing one in your desk lamp would be a prime spot, or anywhere where you read- they also provide amazing lighting compared to normal bulbs, where you have that yellow tinge.

Food for thought.
Oh, I love that phrase.


I can smell my baked potato getting ready to make an appearance.

Happy days to you

x

Full spectrum light (ecocentricity)

Sometimes I really want to write a word that sums up how I feel, and sometimes I can find that word,

but today the word is more of a sound, and if you said it, you would have to make rasping noises, and splutter it out a bit.

It might go something like this:

blooooroughhhsssstttwweeeeeeeaaccccch


You can draw it out. Say it really, really snail slowly, and if you half close your eye lids too, and imagine feeling like you might just have to go and take a nap- that is how I feel.

I suppose.

If I ate a banana I might feel better, but I am holding off for dinner.

Besides I just ate an apple. It was a bad apple. One of those in a pack, that have been sitting in a darkened warehouse for months on end. Then they drag them out, stick a red label on them, and watch as the ghost faced shoppers take them to the till. I was a ghost face apparently. I penny pinched, and the supermarket won.

That is another reason why today I contacted my local farm to join their veg box scheme. I even love the fact that you can go and pick it up from a lock-up behind my local florist once a week. How perfect! I cannot wait to be able to make smarmy remarks to the supermarket as I pass by. Suck on my organics Sainsburys, the complete lack of packaging and food miles. HA.

yeah.

I do not usually use phrases such as 'Suck on that', just as I usually do not get red stickered into buying cheap fruit from supermarkets.

I am telling you this, so I do not go down in your estimation.
Because I know how highly you hold me in esteem.

I am also making an eco kitchen. But this is another story. Has this become an eco blog? No. But it might just turn into one. I will become one of those intolerably perfect eco beacons, telling you to start taking cold showers- every other day, or maybe perhaps once a week, to start scraping the mould of that bread- what harm can it do! (I did in fact do this yesterday to some mushrooms. See. It's already happening). I will tell you to switch your energy to wind power (which I really want to do) or get some solar panels fixed onto your roof ( I would do this, if I had a roof. And some funds.) I would tell you how only just the other day I watered my plants with my own morning urine, and they are already thriving!

Actually, I can feel myself getting into this. I might do a blog next week about something nutritional. Maybe seeds or nuts or something. Or maybe essential oils.

Yeah.

I am really craving some sunlight, or some warmth. I had to go to the park the other day and force myself to sit still on a bench in full daylight (before it leapt up and ran away) to try and make some serotonin. I think it worked. I have been feeling less bleak today, despite the gloom and complete lack of any lovely light. I have found a supplement you can take called 5HTP which helps produce serotonin apparently, and I am going to give it a go, and let you know how it goes. Of course.

Yesterday I had a follow up Kinesiology session. This also seems to help a great deal. Or has. Apparently my body was ready for its next installment, or to complete its next body of 'work'. My lovely practitioner, Amanda Brooks, also told me that my body told her that it was lacking in Selenium, being the reason why my hands are constantly arctic (unfortunately not arctic rolls) It even specified that I take 200mcg every day and it had to be in the PM only !

I need to give my body more credit, it knows far more than I think.

I really want to trust my body more. I have been craving Brazil nuts now for months- they contain quite an amount of Selenium.

I need to have one to one's with my body more often. I tried tonight, asking it what it really needed to eat for Supper. It said something about banana and peanut butter sandwiches, and then changed its mind and said cheese on toast.

I ignored both comments, because I became convinced I was only hearing what I wanted to eat. So I am instead going to force myself to have a rounded meal.

I had a weird 'yesterdays leftover supper veg' concoction for my lunch. Cold cabbage, peas and green beans with sesame seeds on top, and chick peas and some tomatoes.

It did nothing to warm me up.

Oh! I just remembered. Full spectrum bulbs- if you are suffering from SAD symptoms, lethargy, low spirits, feelings of hopelessness and blueness in general, then trying out a lightbox is a grand idea. They differ from usual indoor lighting in that they provide a 'full spectrum' of light and all its components (I am still learning), mimicking outdoor natural light- the light we need to keep up and happy and energetic (as possible). BUT I have found the good light boxes, the ones worth getting, are expensive, but you can buy full spectrum bulbs for about eight pounds instead. If you replaced a few of your lamps with these bulbs, you would automatically, and much more cheaply, be absorbing the happier rays. Placing one in your desk lamp would be a prime spot, or anywhere where you read- they also provide amazing lighting compared to normal bulbs, where you have that yellow tinge.

Food for thought.
Oh, I love that phrase.


I can smell my baked potato getting ready to make an appearance.

Happy days to you

x

New York

Lost. Found.

Today I am torn between giving my all, and giving my nothing at all.

I would always want to give my all, but when you cannot seem to find what is inside of you, what can you try to give?

I can see fragments of 'things' in me. Or perhaps 'qualities', but they are in disguise, nonchalant, floating.

I try and pluck them, peel them. Nothing comes of it.

I imagine walking down a street where the sun is bright, almost blinding, and the sky lies back in magnificent blue. My footsteps are light, and my soul and brain are holding hands. Or my mind, or my spirit. Or all of the above.

I do not doubt myself in this picture. I smile to passing strangers, my heels click and my lips are comfortable, not twisted tight. I can almost cup the openness of my chest, the windswept parts of my roomy heart.

Perhaps it is Autumn, or Spring. Late Summer even. I do not have to worry too much to remember my coat, or put two pairs of socks on, or wonder why my hand is turning a dainty purple despite my gloves, and the pumping of my elbow against the slapping fizz of an icy wind.

In this moment, I am exactly who I need to be. Who I am, unapologetic, determined yet relaxed.

My shoulders have not crumpled up around my neck. My eyes are clear, I am ready to speak when spoken to. I do not stumble over words. I slip through the net, and I am new in each moment.

To wear colour and be not afraid, not even realise I am wearing so much colour. To paint and not constantly question the process, or the act.

To own any talents I find I might own.

Lost. Found.

Today I am torn between giving my all, and giving my nothing at all.

I would always want to give my all, but when you cannot seem to find what is inside of you, what can you try to give?

I can see fragments of 'things' in me. Or perhaps 'qualities', but they are in disguise, nonchalant, floating.

I try and pluck them, peel them. Nothing comes of it.

I imagine walking down a street where the sun is bright, almost blinding, and the sky lies back in magnificent blue. My footsteps are light, and my soul and brain are holding hands. Or my mind, or my spirit. Or all of the above.

I do not doubt myself in this picture. I smile to passing strangers, my heels click and my lips are comfortable, not twisted tight. I can almost cup the openness of my chest, the windswept parts of my roomy heart.

Perhaps it is Autumn, or Spring. Late Summer even. I do not have to worry too much to remember my coat, or put two pairs of socks on, or wonder why my hand is turning a dainty purple despite my gloves, and the pumping of my elbow against the slapping fizz of an icy wind.

In this moment, I am exactly who I need to be. Who I am, unapologetic, determined yet relaxed.

My shoulders have not crumpled up around my neck. My eyes are clear, I am ready to speak when spoken to. I do not stumble over words. I slip through the net, and I am new in each moment.

To wear colour and be not afraid, not even realise I am wearing so much colour. To paint and not constantly question the process, or the act.

To own any talents I find I might own.