My love goes out to those who

How to think.

How to be.

How to be yourself? (and nothing but).

Impossible?

Answers on a SAE.

It's a funny time of year for me. Heat, love, unemployment, a Cathedral City, no energy, no coffee.

Summer. Heady, tight and claustrophobic- mended by swimming in one of Winchesters rivers. Green and gold water stringing me out, stretching my soul and meaning nothing but well well well.

I paint in the upstairs studi, but seem to despise everything I put down. Too brash, too thick, too runny, too nothing...too' what does this MEAN!?'. More than a few moments of thinking this is not my game to be playing at. Who the hell did I think I was, trying to be a painter of all things?

My thoughts go backwards, and I try and retrieve them whenever I remember to. They hide under hot rocks, amphibian secrets, and trying to stay as still as possible... I catch them by the tails and they bite. Dark, dreary thoughts mainly about the same old stuff...the same old scruffy, burnt out neurosis- I am not good enough, I will never be good enough, everyone else is better, what was I born to do, the world would be a better place without me... blah blah blah, cough cough cough. Uptight? Damn Right with a capital R.  I wish I had left these thoughts to fend for themselves, but now the rock is upturned and the tails are wriggling.

I should be happier than happy...always?
No, not always.
That is not how this life works most probably.

I tell myself, after pulling tails, that it is O K to not know, to feel blue, to kick at the curb when the weather is too hot and my thoughts loll pathetically.

Sure, I'm in Love. yup, I have a cat, and a dog and ok, my friends are far away (or not too far but it feels like centuries) but at least they are there...at least I am still blessed enough to call them my friends. My family hold me close, they are well (thank God) and I am well (I think) and so are my friends and all those whom I love and cherish (with cherries on top)... YET I STILL GET BLUE.

How to be a better person. How to forgive yourself. How to let go. How to be strong in the face of non adversary. How to be strong in the face of adversary. How to keep hold of love. How to find your all emcompassing purpose. How to be the best friend you can possibly be. How to learn to love your body AND your soul. How to stop buying semi helpful but in the end useless self help books.

gah!!

OR

GAAAAHHHHH!!!


phew.

There are one hundred letters to write, each heartfelt, each stalled. There is a job to be found. A driving lesson to be booked, a test to be taken. There is a mouth to be kissed, a mouth to be fed. There are beyond infinite things I long to sing into the ears of all those who I love sincerely and who maybe do not know, because for some reason I shut myself off and try and forget about myself.

There is stopping crying to get done, and ironing my clothes, and finding a purpose and maybe even giving up painting...because if you could see what I see, hanging on the wall of my studio, you would probably tell me to stop too.


RANT
OVER
AND OUT

(To lose my mind might not be such a bad thing at this moment in time...it talks too much and never says very nice things to myself. Can it be trained? Meditation station stop number 1).